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Update... - Abyssus Abyssum invocat

Oct. 9th, 2006 08:25 pm Update...

Wow I'm just scared to see how long it's been since I last updated here, I did update on LJ though..

I think it goes back to when, I met someone from myspace IRL in france but it was before I went on the vacation in finland..vacation I didn't post about on here , I might in a while when it won't be such a touchy subject for me.

Well after a rather horrible last year during which I had to go through an operation and could not get a job for months after it I'm now working at a well known company, a job I would rather not do (administrative assistant) but still a good one if I believe other people's opinions, I'm able to save money and not slowly waste what I had saved so painfully in the last years, to make projects again, to feel like myself again. I felt incredibly vulnerable and too sensitive during that time.

I think a rather rough but needed realization of what I needed to get over with took place, when I met someone Laurent and our "edate" went rather horribly bad, I reacted like a shy baby and it both made me ashamed and also aware of how, I was not as monstrous or whatever I felt I had become because of my illness.. I feel I really began to be myself again from then.. and I guess my trip over to finland helped with this as well.. which I feel somehow guilty about some people will know what I'm talking about or why I tell this... but at the same time I don't feel so guilty about it, so, what...?

Either I am an evil little manipulator or, I am so nice I feel I am an evil little manipulator, when I'm reacting like anyone else would...

Today I had an huge fall out I don't think I'll get over with with a one year old friend, it backfires from (it is the cause) another friend and will probably cause her to stop talking to me as well, because I'm both unclear on how to react to these two or where I stand in the middle of them.. and I think I'm either too nervous compared to last year or just not willing to take the shit I used to deal with, that I don't know either anymore...
The reason why, I got so upset about it, it's something small but it is adding up to a rather long pile, I think it to be mostly my fault but still blame a lot on him, I'm not able or willing to deal with it anymore and think it might be healthier for me to step away, though I don't want to, it's an addiction in a way and it is confusing and hurting me.

I hate that.. I love these two people, I know I care about their friendship more than they about me, the proof, the guy, just ended up telling me I should stop talking to him already if he is so horrible.

Why do I always feel I end up, caring about people who don't about me, or people I don't even give a damn about end up professing their love or admiration for me? The world is not properly made with that.

Well of course I'm exagerrating here there are many exceptions, many friends I have had for years now like mah Texan Suze (So need to meet you in person Suze!! haha) and what is so fucked is these two people, I have known for one year only at most, why do they matter so much to me or why am I so infatuated in them or you name it...

IRL anyway.. I'm growing more addicted to GW.. I'm now in a good guild, two old friends from the hall I have never had issues with in it and a lot of good people, and our alliance is fun as well.. this game is a good escape :)

The job is going alright.. I'll see where it takes me.. One of the really great things in it is, I met this really great girl there Houria, we get along great and are really developping a friendship, fun considreing how we met through someone I don't get along with at all.. I appreciate Elsa a lot as well.. And besides the "nyanya" social aspect it is good money and a stable element in my life..

Sports wise, I'm still going to the pool, rather regularily and I see that I'm getting more apt to swim long spans of time than ever.. though I still feel rather "flabby" (don't we girls all feel like that though...) so to correct this I just signed up to a gym close from where my parents live, so I both get something to do at their place and do something useful for myself.

Anne's getting a knee operation again in ten days. i'm rather scared from her because the way it is downgrading, her third operation in 10 years time and the knee growing weaker each time, she'll end up invalid and having to walk with a cane, when her purpose in life is to teach sports and to dance.. poor girl.. with other friends we don't know how to deal with it anymore as, she refuses to hear some stuff, and it feels dishonest to just nod and agree with her about stuff like "i'm going to dance three times a week in two months time" coming from her.. :(

wow well, i sure had a lot more to rant about but I guess I exhausted myself.. I hate myself.

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